One Half Star Deduction (JoeBob Briggs fanfic)

“What the actual fuck is going on?!” John Irving Bloom exclaimed, his eyes wide and white. John is well-known as JoeBob Briggs, the stage name of the character he’s portrayed for years while reviewing Drive In movies. He was, in fact, doing exactly that until 94 seconds ago when all hell broke loose on the set.

“I don’t know, John, but seeing as how this is the end I feel like we should at least give it a rating for the Mutant Fam” Diana screamed. John noted how even in the face of imminent death his mail girl side kick, known as Darcy, still somehow managed to inject her witty comedic one-liner’s. “That girl really has talent” he thought to himself. It was one of those instantaneous thoughts that happen without even being thunked.

“ONE STAR. THERE’S NO PLOT, THERE’S NO REASON ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING...” he screamed as he rolled out of the way, barely avoiding the gaggle of undead which mere seconds ago descended upon the set, seemingly from out of nowhere. That’s when he saw Bruce Campbell, who was supposed to be making a guest appearance in about 20 minutes, biting Sam Raimi’s arm off just above the elbow. He was still standing in the puddle of what was left of Yuki, who was the first to fall. John’s immediate thought was how Sam did a helluva job on Bruce’s makeup, he’d never seen such a realistic deadite….and then the horror of the situation dawned on him.

It was real. Bruce was a deadite. He had eviscerated Yuki by throwing him into Ernie’s cage, which crashed, shattering glass all across Yuki’s torso and face, before munching on his throat like cottage cheese. Ernie was tossed haphazardly through the air and Diana’s scream pierced the monologue John had prepared for the feature movie. Now Bruce was making a snack of Sam’s bicep and tricep. The gurgling noises that mewled their way out through his chewing and laughing was rather disgusting. Somehow he had become that which he hunted in make believe movies...but that’s impossible?

The small crowd of deadites that were scampering toward him and Diana, teeth gnashing and eyes gleeful with anticipation, proved otherwise. Diana had tripped and fallen beside him and both were rapidly trying to backwards crab crawl away from the approaching mob of demonwhores. They hit a wall and could retreat no further, the menacing evil ghouls mere seconds away from falling upon them and turning them into Drive-In hellspawn kabobs without sticks. Instinctively they grabbed each other in a hug, their eyes never leaving the cackling cadre intent on devouring them.

“So a half star, because there’s no breasts” Diana pouted. The nearest deadite was mere feet away, its hands outstretched, fingers flailing at their flesh.

“I love you, Diana” John said as he squeezed hard shut his eyes knowing his end was nigh. In that moment, with the utterance of those words, the words that John knew would be the last he’d ever speak, he found serenity because of how true they were. Sure the world was soon going to be taken over by thousands of demonbitch birthed mental patients of hell but it didn’t matter...John realized he knew now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what real, true love was. Not the lusting, wanton kind. Not the watered down Twitter kind. Not even the Drive In Movie kind.

This was pure, unadulterated, unconditional care for another human being – the greatest kind of love.

“I love you too John.” Diana whimpered just before letting out a full throated scream. He knew then they were both dead.

Somewhere, behind the crushing squint of how hard John was squeezing his eyes shut, hard enough that there were little splashes of color and light dancing in the darkness, there came a deafening CRASH followed by the wailing of demons and the smell of bugs cooking on an electric zapper. It took a few moments before they realized they were still tightly grasped in their death hug but hadn’t died quite yet.

John peeked one eye open.

He couldn’t believe what he could barely see.

A mass of smoking and charred demon flesh sacks smoldered just inches away from them. Sparks popped from frayed electric wires that danced of their own accord. The wires were attached to a gigantic neon sign. John had had it commissioned a few months ago for this live season finale. He remembered when it came in how proud he was of it. The blue and red lettering, the four red stars that would blink yellow on the inside, the green underlines. It was absolutely perfect and perfectly proclaimed for the world to know “The Drive-In Will NEVER DIE”. The colors were flashing randomly on then out and some were completely destroyed where it had landed upon the bodies of the deadites. Even Bruce had been unable to escape its glaringly prophetic neon revelation.

John opened his other eye to better survey the scene. His gaze lifted up to where they had precariously hung the savior sign of the Drive-in a few hours ago and he saw Ernie, clinging for dear life to a chain that had secured the sign but was now rapidly unrolling as it fell toward the ground. Ernie’s little legs were furiously racing. He somehow managed to kick the end of the loose chain off its fulcrum wheel as it reached its end and grab onto the hook that supported it, wrapping his tail around it for extra leverage. Then he realized he was still holding Diana. He slowly looked down to see if she was alright.

Two of the most beautiful breasts the world has ever known were heaving up and down in rapid succession. The deadite that was nearest to them had managed to grab her, but only by the shirt and as he tried to pull himself closer to devour her he only managed to rip the buttons that were already stressed to the limit, freeing the bosom that seemed to nearly always be bursting to be freed.

Out of decency he quickly looked away and drew a deep breathe.

By some chance, some literal miracle, they had lived. He knew this was the moment most men never get in their lives. The opportunity to stare death in the face, against insurmountable odds, and overcome it through sheer will, luck, determination, or whatever else can get you out of shit like that. He knew exactly what he had to say to memorialize this moment for all eternity…

“Ok, one and a half stars, but only because eventually there were boobies in it.”

Diana hit him hard in the arm, then cried as she hugged him.